Tonight was hellish in a way first I get home remembering that I have my Japanese listening exercise to do then i get yelled at by my dad. He was frustrated to begin with so keep that in mind. My little brother podi was looking for his boyscout book AGAIN!!! My mom and dad are talking like they are five miles from each other also so everyone was making really hard for me to do my LISTENING exercise.
Out of the blue my dad interrupts me and asks if I have ever seen the book. I calmly and in a level casual voice said no. Here's another fact, my dad is very impatient and his view on a 'tone' in my voice is really bad and off. Naturally my dad assumes that i'm using a growly voice so he says' cant you say it without a tone?' i'm already frustrated that i can't get my homework done so i say' i said no' i turned back to my homework and about ten seconds later i see my dad in my line of vision grab my shoulders spin my chair around to look at him and put his forearm to my throat. then he jerk my head into the door that was right behind me and yells at me about how i dont think i know who i am but i dont need to be disrespectful and yadie da and that i better not be rude to my mother and if i have an attitude then he'll beat it out of me. i have a nice daddy. Okay i admit that my temper slipped a little when i said 'i said no' but it doesnt require my dad to get in my face and drill my head into the door like that with his arm at my throat. he didnt choke me but i think it was so his action would get me to pay attention. before this act of abuse my little brother did growl and use sarcasim with my mom while my dad was upstairs or somewhere and she never does anything but if i sound 'disrespectful' i get a door to my head. how far is that? thats why i want to leave this hell hole and go to vincennes so i can get away from all of this and why im so happy at school because i got the hell out!! i go to school to get awat from that! sometimes when i think about home i look impassive or sad so people ask me why i look sad well thats why.
so now im pissed off with a headache that could make my head explode. if i go to school impassive then maybe this blog will tell you why.
i have to write these blogs in secret and alone or my parents will think that im lying or emo or giving out more than i should and totally take my car and internet away from me or possibly take me upstairs and yell my head off which would make my life twice as hard.
im glad that gretchen showed me how to blog its like my own personal diary that i can share my thoughts and feelings to without all the drama and conflict. i have so much bottled up inside me that i cant talk about to my parents or risk my emotional health. it sucks that i have to resort to a computer blog to i think healthly let all my emotions out. my anger about tonight is already almost gone. i guess that i just needed to sit done and share or write down how i feel in order to maintain my sanity in this place that i call 'home'
dont get me wrong my parents are cool sometimes but when they are already in a bad mood then they can be too rough with us especially me since oniisan moved out and itootosan is the baby then i guess their frustration and expectations and anger fall in my lap. god its been almost a month and i already cant wait to get the hell out of here. i think thats the only reason why i put up with the coaches and the workouts in track so that i have another way of letting out my anger and such in my life. Hey its better than locking it in my heart waiting for the right person at the right time to be around me when my bottle explodes.
wow this is my first real blog entre and i think i wrote half of what happens in my life in this one blog. i promise to try to not write so much but i guess that depends on my mood and everything. i feel so much better about tonight. im still mad at my dad but could you blame me?
anyway i better get off b4 my mom and dad see me lata days!!!