me going 2 VU

i thought that it wuld make feel less scared about going 2 VU by making a adv and disadv thingy
ADV
id b away from my family
no more chores(as much chores that is)
c the world
learn 2b independent
learn 2 take care of myself
make new friends
b closer 2 gretchen and whoever (id b 3hrs south)
the dorm experience
meet new people
experience new things
learn wat ever im majoring in without family distraction like chorse and crap
id b away from my little brother!!
itd b an adventure! (i luv adventures)
id b able 2 c my great aunt k more often

DISADV
id b away from my family
id b away from my REAL bed
no more lafayette theater work (frown)
i might cry or b lonely
my roommate might b a total BITCH!
i have 2 travel freakin 3hrs every other weekend home
id b closer 2 my hillbilly like cousins

okay seriously my adv out way my disadv any day!! YAY!!

huge burden lifted!

okay i hav told many people about how i want 2g2 VU and i needed 2 tell my mom about it and that wuld b a major downer 4 me well 2nite it turned out pretty well. OMG!! i was shocked!
okay my dad told me of course that i had 2 tell my mom and that he kind of warmed her up 2 it by telling 'hey she may want 2 g 2 VU 4 freedom, independence and its her decision and etc...' so when my older bro's not really again girlfriend from high school comes over she asks what i want 2 do after high school. bump bump!! bump bump!! even my dad held his breath! i told her that i want 2g2 VU 4 radiology (just a freakin career i picked 2 try) anyway she left after awhile and mom went up stairs! did i make her cry? MAN! i felt bad so i tried 2 drown myself in the shower
an attempt that failed btw!
anyway when i got out my mom was TRYING 'stressing the word' to solve a puzzle and was acting normal.
???
my dad looked relaxed(i think?)
so i thought 2 myself 'screw it' and boldly started helping her with the puzzle and then asked her if we culd talk. then she said wat about.
???
VU
wat about VU?
???? about me going there?
we need 2 fill out the paper work and everything 4 u and c if there is any financial aide we can get (i got confused)
so ur okay with me going?
id rather u didn't go but its ur decision i cant make it 4 u.
(WAT!???!?!?!?! where did that come from i thought that there wuld b tears and yelling and arguing and me going emo and mom not talking 2 me and dad afterwards!!!?!?!?!?!???)
i sensed that she kind of expected that since my dad DID talk 2 her about it a few times. my dad did tell me that she blames him 4 bringing it up and secretley wanting me 2g so dad said if i got in trouble...drugs, mugged, rapped...etc then the blame wuld fall on him. i think my counselor sent the info or maybe since my dads an alumni then idk. the pt bing that i didnt have 2 suffer breaking the news 2 her o and i did tell her that i didnt want 2 ruin her holidays by telling her then and that i had planned on telling her 2nite and she said 'i new wat u were doing'
CREEPY but yet KEWL!!!!
thats 100 pds of worry off my shoulders

My little brothers an ass!!

OMFG!!! i hate my little brother! hes such a spoiled brat with a smart mouth that made my mother CRY today!!
okay my mom has this very special family moment that we do every year and thats putting up the ornaments. a mothers tradition. so we have to use the computer to play christmas music then mom sits on the bottom step of the stairs surrounded by our ornaments and hands them out to me and my brothers. a reasonable tradition right? she sensed that we didnt really feel like it but we did it anyway without complaint until that rat @$#%@ started complaining about how tired he was from his choir thing and that he didnt "feel good" so he refrained from putting up his ornaments for a bit until mom would tell him to put them up. i think he only played the "not feeling well" card to get out of studying for finals. anyway my older brother has a yellow lab named lily and u know how tall labs are and how powerful their tails are so mom said not to put the ornaments where lilys tail could knock them down and possibly break them. our ornaments are from my moms side like from HER grandma and my great great aunt and aunts and other people that were are special to my mom so us getting said ornaments from them is cherished and special. my brother tyler started smart mouthing about having to get up and put his ornaments where lily cant knock them down. then mom said that they cant be replaced but tyler said yeah we can i saw these in meijer for like 5 cents.
THAT MOTHER @^#%$^@#^@$*#%*@#% AND SPOILED @#*(@&@%@#**@#&!@*$& I HATE HIS (#$(*#$*(@#$*( GUTS AND HIS #@$&^#@$ SMART MOUTH AND HIS @&#^ WAY OF RUINING EVERYTHING WITH HIS #$#(*%^&*(#^%(*##%@ mouth. RRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR!!!!!
he doesnt understand, i found out tonight, the sentimental value of something. he totally reached into my moms chest grabbed her heart and ripped it out without a second glance as he threw it on the ground to step on it. he doesnt think before he says things and he only figures out "oh snap i think id just hurt her feelings" and walked back in his room while mom went up stairs to CRY! my mom never crys bc its really hard to hurt her feelings. when it comes to family and things of sentimental value shes very serious about it and treasures them all. my mom doesnt cry infront of people so she isolated herself to do that. i do that to but i do cry more often then she does.
now my little brother is sitting in the family room watching TV like the whole thing was no big deal! THAT #%$!&@%#&^@*&$%#@*&$@#@#@#@! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! god i just want to run a chain saw through him while hes screaming and cant talk to me bc id ripped his #%@%#^@% smart mouth out and he cant see bc id clawed his eyes out with my fingers!!!!!
HES SUCH AN ASS!!!!!!!!

FAIL!!!

okay i had so much stress from school and staying up late for fall play and that it was my last time doing a fall play at Harrison so i had a lot on my mind last weekend. i totally 4got that my asian was going to invasion and was expecting to see me ther! so what did i do? i went to my last cast party on my fall play senior night so i missed a whole nite with my asian! he was disappointed when he heard that i wasnt going to be there but my friends tell me that he had fun without me. i feel so bad though! i totally left him hanging! i feel like such a flake! good what isn't stopping me from having a mental nervous break down at the lunch table today? OMFG!!! gretchen says that i shuld tak him 2 c a scary movie so when i get 'scared' then i hav a reason for getting close to him! GENIUS!!!!!!!! the prob wuld b if he doesnt lik scary movies, but what r the odds of that. mayb he'll b like gu jun pyo when he sees a bug or a scary movie!
Another thing that i want to blog about is the fact that now that my little brother is a teen, he assumes that he knows everything there is to know about everything even i have done or had experiences with things that he apparently knows. dontt u hate that! they get all smart ass with u and go nu huh its this not this and u just want to strangle that child that ur parents favor so much!!!!!!! RRRRRROOOOOOOOOAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
anyway on the way home my brother was talking to me about track and how he might not b able to lift as much as the other boys, i said things like u may or may not b but he shuldnt b a pussy when it comes to lifting then i said that we wont worry about it until wednesday when we decide to come back. my body has demanded that i get a break from staying after school for a bit. anyway my brother was talking about how we were lifting today if we were there today and i said yeah we wuld lift then we wuld stairs for the rest of the time(the coach's house of pain) and then cool down outside in the freaking rain. then he said that it depends on what even ur doing and i said no we all do the same workout and he said no boys and girls r different and i said that i did this for a while so i wuld no that we train sweat and die TOGETHER no matter what even ur in so that really shut him up and he said to quit talking because i only make it worse than it sounds. that chubby smart ass disrespecting spoiled shit head grew up doing computer/video games, drinking coke, mt dew, eating crap like hot dogs/mcdonalds, and demanding that mom and dad buy him certain things for him even though he complains and talks bad about mom and dad behind their back whenever he has to actually lift a finger to pitch in around the house. sometimes i dream of ripping that smart ass face of his right off his skull and feeding it to the sharks and my brother is one of the two main reasons why i want to get the hell out of my house so Fing bad!!!!!!!! okay done venting and i hear parents coming lata

i feel lik im being 2 pessimistic so ill write a happy blog 2day............................................................
...........................................................
im thinking hold on................................................................................................tacos................................
i have fingers.....................................................................................................boys...........................
shoes...............................................................................jihoo................................................
god thats sad that i cant think of anything happy 2 write about 2 day.
how about i tell u about my japanese class halloween party? okay i went there dressed as a geisha, who r not chinese but japanese and r not whores but entertainers that dance and do fan tricks and pour drinks and attend parties with. OMG moment the only reason y we sometimes think that geisha r hores bc girls dressed up like geisha and then went horing around but REAL geisha dont. geisha only sells their virginity to the highest bidder and have donnas who r kind of like husbands that pay for some things but they r not whores!
okay bac on topic i went as a geisha and i saw stefanipac there and others that were in jap 1/3 and a few some Mccutcheon were there as well. we watched a hilarious episode of the great horror family! then after we ate some num nums we had a costume contest and i was part of a tie in fourth and got a green fan with a dragon on it! but peterson said that my white fan wasnt really japanese but more mexican! how dare he dis the fan! anyway i met this really cute and funny japanese foriegn exchange student guy from the other school named masahiro, he was really nice and funny and he had a hard time pronouncing my name. is it that hard? EMO MOMENT!!!
anyway we talkd and we could tell that there was chemistry so we decided 2 look each other up on facebook so im excited about that! YAY!!!!! i no that gretchen wuld say god haruka keep ur estrogen aura in line, but i cant help it! im sorry! lol hee tee hee anyway im excited and in LOVE!!!
2 day, well technically yesterday, is my dads bday so we r going out 2 eat, but im feeling incredibly bloated 2day which sucs bc then iwont want 2 eat bc i feel yucky and fat! frekin periods! we shuld only have them when we decide 2 hav kids u no! it wuld mak a girls lif SSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much easier! if u agree say AMEN!! lol
after my dads bday dinner then im going 2 crash my friends halloween parte!!!!! YAY more parties!!!!

it gets really hard in my life when i hav a little brother thats disrespectful and is such a lazy mouthy spoiled mfing brat that i just want to scream my head off and a dad that cant figure out when im using a tone or doing things out of anger or not which REALLY makes me want to scream especially since my brother isnt disciplined when he does the actions that im constantly acussed of doing! RRRRRROOOOOOOAAAAAAAARRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
breathe
RRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i have a list of what im too stressed out about
1. my brothers fing ways
2. my parents
3. fall play
4. getting in college
5. telling my mom that im going to VU(if i go)
6. figuring out what im doing
7. worried about not getting my desired diploma bc of an fing SAT score
8. whether its worth quiting track bc it sucks
9. letting my parents down 4 quiting track9if i need 2)
10. car insurance money
11. any chance of going to florida for spring break
12. my urge to kill my brother
13. my urge to scream at my parents for their unfairness
14. any relatives that try to "help me" when im not "myself"
15. thinking whether or not im worth doing all of this shit 4
16. whether im worth going to college
17. whether id b good at what i do in the future
18. wondering why my fing acne wont leave me the hell alone
19. trying not to show my true feelings around my relatives so they dont tell my parents that i have 'not been myself lately' and i get interrogated and my privacy gone
20. whether im actually worth being in this world

im sure that ill have more to add to my list when i think some more or have more mental melt downs. my gama called and asked about why i wasnt acting 'myself' when i took a pillow to my head when my cousins woke me up when i spent the night. she told me that she is there to talk to me and i need to talk to someone but im just afraid that shell tell mom or whoever then theyll interrogate me until i tell them something.
i cant keep my feelings to myself? WTF!!!!!
dads coming ill add more later

it is FINALLY official. i hav officially applied at VU!! about time! my dad signed me up and started asking me what i wanted to do in college but i hav no frekin idea what!
my dad says that i might be a good conservation officer and my moms into that x ray thing. curse them! how dare they give me advice! lol
anyway im looking at what VU offers bc i REALLY REALLY......REALLY want to go there just to get out of the house and make something of myself. i saw medical administration and was looking back on how i was good at organizing and stuff like that but idk im thinking about the present my senior life is too chaotic to be thinking about the future.
come to think of it i can picture myself as an administrator at some hospital and i can kind of see myself as a conservation cop, jsyk its a cop that checks hunting licenses and helps protect the wildlife. imagine me being a rare female con cop! the only thing is is that they were those green get ups! i dont look that great in green DUDE!! i had to hide the application receite from my mom so dont tell about VU she gives the scariest stinkeyes!! YIKES!!